chicken soup + updates

[this blog was written the previous night. however someone was 3 hours behind sched so here we are]

I write this now with full expectation that it will be posted. There has been an oopsie and its a rather big one. Although leniency is an option, there are times when we have to employ discipline the hard way. I didn't expect to make this post so soon but with how abysmal our past ways were, this was inevitable. 

(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )

Now I try not to feel a particular way about a person at any given time. They said this, they said that, they are good, they are bad. I can never fully know someone's essence if I have no access to their whole life of existence. To decisively label interactions is reductive of being.

introspection yada yada

Having conditioned myself on this, I now find it hard to truly, sincerely shame people. What is shameful? Wouldn't they already know that something is such since it is a self-conscious emotion? Then what is the value of me adding to their shame? Would such an act even benefit me? Ill intentions generate too much energy and effort that I could not be bothered to exert.

But do you know what does invite positivity? Optimism! Reframing a bad situation/thing/circumstance in a way that may help lessen the trepidation of being alive. Now that is a cause I'm absolutely burning energy for. (˶˃ ∇ ˂˶)

And so, M, don't beat yourself up! Those extra 4 hours weren't spent on autopilot mode. Consider, 4 hours of nonstop reel scrolling (half of which you don't even remember) is what would've been worse but no! There was none of that! Progress has been made the past few days, it was only a matter of time for a slip up. It happens, and life moves along. Harping on this will only add to the remorse you are already feeling I'm sure. We shall focus on improvement, not self-blaming. Though an appropriate punishment should be imposed. (𓁹 𓁹)

How A and I be moving some nights

That being said, sleeping schedule is another point of contention if a detox is to be done. I was chastised by a doctor earlier this week about my sleep hours. She stared at me so intensely that now I see her piercing blue eyes when I'm up past 9. Yes, she was with me the whole time last night, it was eerie. Right now, I can still see her disappointed gaze and I have an allergy for disapproval so 9 pm sleep time it is (I will try my very best Dr G!).

Tonight I actually have to tuck in early as day plans got postponed for tomorrow. Turns out I'm past the days when 30 minutes of sleep was sufficient to power through the day. Sunday will be spent OUTSIDE with real life living PEOPLE and wonderful WEATHER. All things that keep me away from phone usage so that the disappointing stat might be countered. I will make up for all those hours by finally doing all the mini outdoor side quests I've been unable to do. Ohhhh maybe I'll go back to Other Side™, it's the perfect place for Fiona Apple listening party that L has been hard at work recommending! 

Speaking of Lcommendations, I've been enjoying The Handmaid's Tale very much! A dystopian future where the contemporary culture of my generation wasn't that long ago and so there is a much more jarring juxtaposition within characters' realities gimme gimme. Engaging world building, complex relationships, and a revolution. All things I consume on a regular basis. More queer representations would have been appreciated though considering how they've buried a total of 3 gay characters now.

(≡・x・≡)

Seeing everything that unfolds in this series all the more makes me want that law degree neow!! I can't wait to legitimately help people with actionable policies rather than vague mindstuff advices. Mental gymnastics are too hard to explain let alone teach people how to execute, implementing rules is much easier.

I'm looking forward to law school next sem and yes partly cuz of moot court. I get to have a taste of being an ace attorney! But I also want to try harder this time and see what I'm capable of with 100% brain juice. So that's tons of sleep, tons of locking in, and tons and tons of socialising. I can't wait for things to start happening again and experience hell week after hell week. Come at me, I am so unbelievably hope-corepilled tight now that I can face just about anything!